M.I.A.

I've missed two Thankful Thursday Posts. 

Wow, I'm terrible, but I do feel like I have a good excuse.

Last Thursday was  a really hard night for me.

Actually, last Thursday I pretended like everything was fine.

However, on Friday I couldn't pretend anymore.

After two hours of sleep I woke up at three.

I knew it was going to be a long night.

I was trying to come up with excuses or reasons that I could use to make everything alright.

Around four or five in the morning I said a prayer.

It was one of the most honest, sincere prayers I've said in a long time.

I can't say that I was alright with anything but I could say that my Heavenly Father was mindful of me.

The next two hours I was drifting in and out of sleep.

I was exhausted.

I was hurt.

I was feeling terrible. 

I just wanted to cry, but I couldn't.

Last Friday I was working at City Creek Center and I had to be happy. (I'll write another post about that later.)

That's what I was getting paid for.

I was half way through my shift and I felt this pain overtake my chest.

Like the same pain I use to feel when I had pleurisy or pneumonia.

I needed comfort.

It was time for  my lunch and I had a thirty minute break.

I grabbed my phone charger and talked with my mom for a bit.

She was a strength and made me feel better.

I prayed for comfort and guidance.

That's when I felt it.

Everything was going to be alright.

Everything I was feeling was alright.

I can be sad.

I can be hurt.

It's all part of the plan for me.

The rest of my shift passed by slowly.

I just wanted to go home and figure everything out.

As soon as my shift was over I went to the office to check out.

I saw two of my roommates.

I needed to see them.

They knew I was struggling and they didn't say anything.

They just hugged me and that made the biggest difference.

Kierst and Al were AND are one of my tender mercies.

I went home and I saw Crysta.

Crysta, that day, was one of my biggest tender mercies.

It's safe to say that Crysta is one of the few people who have seen me at my lowest of lows.

We talked for a long time.

About my feeling, fears, and how hurt I was over everything.

She justified my feelings but also helped me to see the other side.

She was full of insights and I'm blessed that she was there for me last Friday.

Last Friday was the last improv show of the semester.

I knew I was not going to miss it, but I was afraid to go.

I didn't know how hard it was going to be.

After a call from my sister, Emmy, I knew it would be alright.

Yes, it would be way hard, but I will not back down from a challenge.

I put on my brave face and I went to the church.

I walked over with Duncan, Crysta, and Chandler.

Duncan could tell something was wrong and gave a hug.

Nothing more, but I didn't need more.

With a deep breath I walked into the church.

My brave face was on and I was ready to be the happy Hannah that everyone knows.

It was harder than I thought it was going to be.

I've always been able to mask my feelings.

Most people think I'm always happy, and I'm fine with that.

However, last Friday was different.

I had a lot of people come and ask me if I was alright.

For the first time I didn't lie.

I was alive, but not good.

All of them had something uplifting to say.

I really struggled during the improv show.

It was hard to watch, and I was hurting.

When a band was singing I had to go to Crysta.

The words to the song were spot on with a lot of things I was feeling.

The improv show was finished and I could breathe.

Phew! I made it through.

I can do hard things.

I was pretending to be happy but more people could tell I wasn't.

Adrienne grabbed my face and told me that she had been thinking of me.

She had put my name on the prayer roll in the temple.

That's what I needed to hear.

I had hit one of my lowest points and I knew that only I could change how I'm feeling.

I have a lot of people who care for me.

I have great roommates.

I have an amazing family who came last weekend. (I'll also post about that.)

I had a boy who I really like and I think he's worth being patient.

I have an older brother, the Savior, who struggled and atoned for me.

I have a Father in Heaven who is mindful of me through everything.

I'm a very blessed girl.

I knew I had two choices, am I going to be better or bitter?

P.S. If you read through all of this I'm impressed. I promise there is a good end, but I will post about it later.

P.P.S. Mom I'm fine! Don't freak out over this post. :)