Matters of the Heart

"No one can go back and make a new beginning, but anyone can start from now and make a happy ending."

I am in a reflective mood.

Tonight was going to be great, well it was great.

I worked on homework all day and I was going to have a relaxing evening.

I did have a relaxing evening.

I had a chance to watch Remember the Titans.

I really love that movie.

Then I played Ultimate Frisbee with my roommates.

Some of the rules were broken and I hate that.

It left me in a bit of a sour mood.

I realized I was being a party pooper and I tried to improve my attitude.

I feel like I did a pretty good job.

What do those last sentences have to with the matters of the heart and a reflective mood?

Nothing, but I just wanted my family and friends to know that I do have fun times and I'm not sad. 

These past few weeks, even months I've had a chance to be a part of great discussions.

Discussions that have helped me grow, think, and become a better person.

I use to be scared and I did not like these conversations.

Now, all I want to do is have those.

I always get in these moods after discussions.

Put on a smiley face and act as if nothing is wrong.

Why?

Because that's what I talk about in my discussions.

However, there is something wrong.

I realized I often say things in conversations with people, that I don't necessarily believe.

I know what I'm expected to say.

I hate to disappoint so I go with what my mind and what people expect me to say.

Forget about what my heart thinks.

Then I act the way my mind says I am suppose to.

Put a smile on.

Everything will be alright.

Yes, everything will be alright.

Sometimes I really do believe my mind and think nothing is wrong, but than I remember.

My heart does hurt and it's allowed to hurt.

I was made that way.

I have trials, challenges, AND blessings come into my life to learn and be hurt from.

I am a girl.

One day I will be a mom to a little girl who will need to hear my experiences.

I hope I will be able to help her like my mom helps me.

I am part of the Mentors & Ambassadors program.

In the Code of service it says something along the lines of not getting in heaven's way.

I know I said I was getting the way, but what if I am wrong.

What if it's not me who is getting in the way?

That's not a good thought.

I don't know if I was getting in heaven's way.

What if everyone else is?

I know I let you go, but that doesn't mean I wanted to.

I'm thankful that I know everything will work out for me.

It's hard to know that a lot of my future decisions rely on others and that they might not choose me.

I feel like I am suppose to be part of all of these different experiences, but what if others don't think so.

The matters of the heart and mind are confusing.